Jan's story

I went for help because I didn't want to feel that way any longer.

I was trying really hard to hold down a full-time course at college. I was the bubbly, lively, fun-loving person, but inside it was a different matter – the total opposite – a façade. Then something happened in my family which knocked me for six and before I knew it, I was pouring it all out to a lecturer at college ... and an appointment was made to meet a counsellor.

My lecturer came with me for that first appointment. It was so scary, it felt a bit like going to see my psychiatrist, but what I do remember, and what has stayed with me from that day, was just how tranquil and peaceful the survivor project felt. It felt like the right place to be and for the first time I felt was being seen as, me the person, not me the symptoms.

I had to wait to be seen. It didn't feel like a long time, but again what I do remember is crying, my head was all over the place and I didn't know if I was coming or going.

What I remember over the months and years I went for my weekly appointments, was the feeling of wanting to get better was stronger than anything else, so that drove me. Although I also had a sense that I didn't know at times what was going to happen next, what didn't help the situation, and at times probably made it worse, was that I was drinking quite heavily, self harming, over medicating on my prescribed drugs and attempting suicide.

I was also living like a recluse. There were days when it felt safer in my house with the door locked and the curtains shut. Some days even getting out of bed was hard work and my attendance at college was appalling. But somehow I always managed to pull myself together for my 1 hour appointment with my counsellor.

Attending was a massive step. Months and months, slowly, slowly, getting better, learning to trust, feeling comfortable and taking risks.There was also the relationship that I was building up with my counsellor, I felt like I needed her and without her where would I be? The word "dependent" was always on my lips, I hadn't felt like this with anybody else in my life. My counsellor was there for me and what would happen if she went away?

But looking back, all of the above helped me to open up, talk about things I've never talked to anyone about - yes it was scary, hard, unbelievably painful and at times I felt like I was right back in that time of my life, but it was also a great relief, massive ... and 100% worth it.

A lot of the time I wished I hadn't started, felt like I had to keep going, was stuck in the middle of it all, but I wanted to get better. This was my reason for coming here in the first place ... I felt like I had this chance and I had to take it.

Feeling different started to creep up on me, I noticed feelings that I never knew I had. Light hearted moments going out having fun "kinda sneaks up on you". Waking up in the morning realising that you do want to get up, open your curtains. I started to notice stuff around me, like I was seeing colours, the sky, "kinda feels like your eyes are open for the first time". All I had ever wanted to be was NORMAL.

I spoke with my counsellor about meeting other women who had been abused who had different or similar experiences. I wanted to talk to other women, I could talk to my counsellor, but I wanted to speak to others who had been abused ... so I joined a small group. This was another milestone for me.

In this group there were, what I regarded as "normal" women, but what came out of their mouths were feelings, thoughts and words that were similar to mine ... how could that be?

Could I have a bit of normal in me? It was like a light bulb going off in my head! I made friends too.

During my time at the project I stopped binge drinking, I realised I wasn't an alcoholic. I lost 5 stones in weight and I discovered too that I was hiding behind my body. Through my coping mechanisms of self harming and suicide attempts, I have now realized that all I was doing was hurting me. The self medicating on my prescriptive drugs, again, was a symptom of how I was feeling about myself. Talking has helped me see the impact that my coping mechanisms were having on me and now I'm trying hard to cope without them.

I did have a warped idea of who I was, but through counselling and group support I have been able to see the "normal" in me that everyone else can. In looking after myself emotionally and physically, I can look back and see it was the continuous negative messages left by my abuser that warped everything about me.

The way I viewed the world then is TOTALLY different to how I view it now. Back then it was evil. I was evil, so I treated myself accordingly. Now I take care of me, buy nice things, eat and drink healthily, exercise, and most importantly have fun with my friends.

This last year I have given back some of me. I have contributed to the newsletter, helped out at the thrift shop, baked birthday cakes and helped at the open day. It felt good to help, felt good to give back a little.

I'm now at the end of my counselling, and it's FANTASTIC!!

I've got a job! I was on benefits for 12 years, but now I'm working. I don't see my psychiatrist any more and I'm reducing my medication. I now feel like the inside of me matches the outside – of course there are times I feel sad and down, and I do still sit and cry, but I suppose in a way the feelings don't become "massive", and also I know now how to deal with them.

I also know, that if I need any support – if anything changes – then I can just ring up the project and get support.

At this place it's not just about talking to a counsellor about the abuse, it's the little things, making you a coffee, receiving a card, giving you extra time, giving you a hug. It's also about coming out at the other end of the project – all part of the experience, it's not just sitting in the room, it's learning your life skills all over again and learning to have fun. Everybody plays a part.

I'm now 41. Life begins at 40! That's exactly what has happened to me and I don't want to waste a single minute of it.