Terry's experience
When I walked through the doors of the survivor agency five years ago, I only had one dream, to be like everyone else. To be normal. But I knew I was evil.
I was frightened, confused and very unsure, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done, but by far the best. I was tired of just surviving – I wanted a life. My life had become an endless round of self-harming routines, drinking, cutting, starving/binging and many suicide attempts – to name a few!.
First steps
I wanted to tell my secret, so I did and I still am!
To the outside world I was normal because I was the best at painting on the smile, but behind closed doors was a different matter, just like my childhood! I wanted to tell my secret, so I did and I still am!
The early days, weeks and months were a constant struggle and even getting out of bed was like climbing Mount Everest. As the days, weeks and months passed I talked and I remembered, I cried, I got angry, I felt pain and sadness, embarrassment and shame, I got frustrated and confused, but I kept on coming and talking and slowly got to know me, one day at a time, one piece at a time. I was pulling myself apart and putting the pieces back together in the right place.
Learning to trust
This has been a long, hard, slow process and still can be at times, but worth it. I have learned to follow my instincts and listen to my inner voice – we all have one. My instincts and inner voice will tell me right from wrong and I get it wrong many times.
Steps to recovery
Today I have a lovely home, good friends and supporters, a college certificate and a part-time job; I take responsibility for my own life. Every day I get up, shower, dress and leave the house to do whatever I have to, or want to do, regardless of how I feel, if I’m angry I do angry – if I’m sad I do sad. If there’s ever a day, and sometimes there is, that I can’t do it, I’ll pick up the phone or I’ll lie in bed, head under the duvet crying. But I don’t kill myself, that’s down to me, I breathe – you can’t die from crying!
I am getting there day by day and I am normal!
I will never forget my childhood, but I can’t change the past and I don’t know what the future holds, so I’ll just live in today, for however long it takes to become strong again – and to smile and laugh and most importantly have some fun!
I believe we survivors have an incredible inner strength to come through what we have, and it’s that strength that will keep on carrying us through, one day at a time!
Today I know I am normal because normal is doing what everyone else does, it was in fact what I had been doing all along but didn’t realise it because the evil had taken over.
I am getting there day by day and I am normal!
