Ellie's experience
My name is Ellie, and I'm 17. I was abused by my uncle when I was about 6 years old. He would make me do things to him, and if I did it, as a sort of “reward”, he would do something to me. He would also refer to me as his “girlfriend”. If he asked me to do something, and I refused to, he would come back to me saying all his other girlfriends had done it, so I had to do it. To prove to him that I was a good girlfriend to have.
Struggling with the impact
He made me feel special; I felt like a grown-up. I can’t remember when the abuse stopped, or how long it went on, but I know it happened more than once. I kept it to myself, because it was our special secret. I wasn't allowed to tell anyone – so I didn’t.
I wasn't allowed to tell anyone so I didn’t.
As I grew older, I started experiencing all these different emotions: fear for my safety being the main one. I started to be badly bullied in High School as well, which wasn't helping at all. In fact I am still experiencing some online bullying, which I have to cope with. So at 14, I fell into deep depression and I started to self-harm. My parents soon noticed, but they thought it was because I couldn't cope with the bullying, so I got a social worker, etc. Soon all that had to end, and I got lost in feelings again. I didn't start self-harming again as I soon learned how to control my feelings, but I did fall back into that deep depression.
Nobody asked why…
By this time though, I realised how to cover up my sadness. People did question why I was such an isolated teenager, but no one ever thought to ask if I had been abused as a child. Therefore nobody knew that I was abused. I kept it to myself. And I didn’t have any therapy, either. The main reason I found it hard to tell was I don’t want to be judged. I was also scared of what my parents’ reaction would be . It took me 12 years to tell my parents – I was only able to tell them a few weeks ago. They thought the self-harm was to do with my bullying.
I like to write about my feelings
I covered the sadness up for just over a year. It was the hardest thing ever: going through depression on your own, crying silent tears every night, hoping no one would hear me cry. As my tears rolled down my cheeks and soaked my pillow, I realised I needed more help than just my friends.
In the morning I looked for counselling, and found a counsellor in my local area. I texted them, and I soon got an appointment. I found it very hard to open up to the counsellor; and when I started to, she dropped a bombshell on me, and told me she had decided it was time for her to leave. When she left, it took the counselling centre 4 months before they put me in contact with the new counsellor.
Ending the silence!
Since then, I have realised I like to write about my feelings, so I have taken to that. What I find helps me to overcome my abuse is writing about it. I find it so easy to write about it; but it’s much harder just to come out and say it.
I have had about 7 sessions with the new counsellor now, and I've recently told my parents about the abuse I suffered as a child. "A problem shared is a problem halved"!
