How it affects families and friends of survivors

Partners, Families and Friends of Survivors

Sexual abuse doesn’t simply affect those who have experienced it directly. It can profoundly affect partners, families and friends in a number of ways.

For example, many survivors will not disclose their abuse until well into adulthood. Therefore, to realise that your partner of 20 years had experienced such a trauma can be both baffling and very upsetting.

But it can also help explain and make sense of patterns of behaviour or previous problems in the relationship, and bring about greater trust and understanding. For instance, many survivors find trust and intimacy very difficult, and the partner may have blamed himself or herself in the past for this.

To be the first person a survivor confides in can feel daunting and sometimes overwhelming. But it is also a compliment to yourself, and it can be tremendous for the survivor to be believed and accepted. It can often be a catalyst to moving forward, and even to recovery. However, it is important that you find support for yourself, for example through books, support agencies, or others who work with survivors and understand what you are going through.

Sometimes non-abusing members of families can find it particularly difficult to believe and accept that a child or sibling of theirs has been sexually assaulted, perhaps over many years. This news can produce feelings of guilt, confusion, disbelief and anger, and often they don’t believe the child. This is understandable but can prove very damaging to everyone concerned. So, seeking help, advice and support is essential to help families deal with these highly charged and often contradictory emotions.

Abusers often divide and isolate members of families deliberately, often by using threats and undermining the child. Bringing past abuse into the open can be difficult and challenging, but it can also be very rewarding in bringing people who care for each other together again.

On this website you can find sources of help, information and advice. Many agencies working with abused adults and children have as a part of their service support for non-abusing partners, families and friends, so don’t be afraid to ask.